Carnival Lights
by Raven Byrde
Summary: Robin can't understand how a person could feel the way Kevin Larson did. Raven knew and she blames herself. They watch the carnival lights together. Rated for suicidal themes.


Robin sat with his steel combat boots one over the other on the short table in front of him. He'd had to push some old paper plates and cups and scraps of food off first, however. In fact, if he hadn't bought the table in the first place, he would have believed that it was simply a pile of garbage.

He read the second page of the newspaper in his lap, despite the distracting lights from the carnival and city coming in through the window. Jump City Tigers lost another game, no surprise. It was his belief that those guys should follow other lines of work than football, such as golf or make-up artist. Underneath were obituaries. For some reason he was drawn to one with a picture of a boy who couldn't be any younger than himself.

**It was just another story printed on the second page****  
****Underneath the Tiger's football score****  
****It said he was only eighteen, a boy about my age**

Robin chewed his lip as he read the short article. His name was Kevin Larson and he was eighteen years old when he committed suicide the Monday before. His family had found him in his room.

**They found him face down on the bedroom floor****  
****They found him face down on his bedroom floor**

He read on. At the bottom, the time and date of Kevin's funeral were mentioned, as well as the place. Friday, at four o'clock in the Lawrence funeral home. Robin had never even heard of this man before, but now he felt as bitter as if he had, and he didn't even berate himself for it.

**There'll be services on Friday at the Lawrence Funeral Home****  
****Then out on Mooresville highway, they'll lay him 'neath a stone...**

Robin let the newspaper fall from his hands to the black sofa he sat upon and as he stood, it slid onto the floor. This was one of the people he and his team were supposed to protect! Robin bent over, lifted the newspaper and walked out of the common room. Cyborg, Starfire, and Beast Boy were out of the house currently, busy with the carnival, or he may have gone to one of them, but he found himself walking towards the only available titan.

Raven, as he had assumed, was indeed meditating on the roof, facing towards the setting sun, away from the bright lights and noise of the carnival that carried across the waters. Robin tried to be quiet, but one didn't have to have extrasensory perception, or even good hearing to be alerted of someone's presence when the loud, rusty doors to the roof opened. Therefore, it was no surprise when Raven stood from the lotus position and asked, seemingly to no one,

"Can I help you?" Robin, still lost in his utter confusion over the event he'd just read about in the paper, lacked any of the carefulness he would normally possess around his friend.

"Raven, read this and explain it to me." Raven looked at him hard. He sounded like he needed to be sure something was true rather than explained to him. She turned her eyes down to the newspaper he held out to her. It was folded back so that she could only obituaries. Raven took a few steps toward him and took the paper from his hand. She scanned the pictures for the one he was talking about.

Robin studied Raven's face as she scanned.

"Third from the right." He said simply and she turned her head slightly towards it. And gasped. Other than that, however, she showed nothing.

**How do you get that lonely, how do you hurt that bad****  
****To make you make the call, that havin' no life at all****  
****Is better than the life that you had**

"Raven, how can a person be that lonely? How can someone hurt so much? How could anyone decide that… that's the best way to solve their problems? How can-"

"I- I knew him." Raven said. She was trying desperately to keep herself under control, but her voice broke. "I knew him, Robin."

Robin fell silent.

**How do you feel so empty, you want to let it all go****  
****How do you get that lonely... and nobody know**

"Then you must know, right? You… I…" And for the first time, possibly in his life, Robin was at a loss for words.

"I'm sorry, Raven." He finally said quietly. Raven finished reading the small article and was, by this time, gnawing on her thumbnail.

"Raven," He said gently, "How can someone feel so empty…and… and no one know?"

"I knew." Raven said, letting the paper flutter to the ground as she turned and walked to the edge of the rooftop. Robin followed, her, stepping over the news and joining her to look out over the water at the carnival next to the city.

"Raven…" Robin started, though he knew not what to say. Raven filled the silence after a short time.

"Robin I could've stopped him. I knew. I knew and I… I just…" Robin, who'd been staring at the water fervently, turned his head to see Raven's face just as the doorknob melted.

**Did his girlfriend break up with him, did he buy or steal that gun?****  
****Did he lose a fight with drugs or alcohol?**

Raven's abnormally pale face was shining with color reflected from the carnival. It took robin less than a second to comprehend why and a tear fell from her chin into the water below.

"Raven, please, just make me understand how he could have… why he… just make me understand." Raven had to look up to stare into the eyes of her friend. At nineteen years, he was actually a year her senior, though now, she couldn't help thinking of him as too young. He kept talking.

"Did his girlfriend break up with him? Was he an addict? What in hell made him do this!"

"Robin, please. I…"

**Did his Mom and Daddy forget to say I love you son?****  
****Did no one see the writing on the wall?**

"Did his parents just not care? Why did no one stop him!"

"Robin! Please!" Raven's eyes brimmed with new tears. "What don't you understand! Why he did this? He did it because of me and I could havestopped him!"

Robin stared at his friend, utterly bewildered, as she screamed at him. The metal guardrails all the way around the rooftop melted and dripped into the sea. Raven didn't stop, and she whispered,

"It's my fault. It's my fault, Robin. He did it because of me." Raven turned back towards the carnival and watched the lights dance in her blurry vision. "I didn't even know. I thought he was angry with me when he hadn't called these past three days… It's my fault…"

Robin was shocked into silence and he just looked down at the young woman beside him. Even in her youth, she was always too mature and she had never been less so with the Titans. In fact, her level of maturity hadn't changed, though it had faltered, in her years spent with the titans, and Robin sometimes wondered whether there was a cap on how much a person could grow and mature inside.

**I'm not blamin' anybody, we all do the best we can****  
****I know hindsight's 20/20, but I still don't understand...**

"Raven, it can't be your fault. No one blames you. I'm not blaming anyone, but I still don't understand…"

Raven said nothing, only stared straight ahead waiting for Robin's questions.

"Raven, how do you get that lonely, or hurt so bad that you just decide to let it all go…" He paused to study her face. "How can someone, anyone, feel so lonely, and no one know?"

**How do you get that lonely, how do you hurt that bad****  
****To make you make the call, that havin' no life at all****  
****Is better than the life that you had ****  
****How do you feel so empty, you want to let it all go****  
****How do you get that lonely... and nobody know**

"Robin, he asked me to marry him..." Robin's head snapped to look at her. "I really did love him… but I didn't… I couldn't let him get hurt. That's why I wouldn't have anyone knowing. He would have been a target… I said no and he told me that I… that if I loved him I would…"

Raven wiped the tears from her face.

"I told him I didn't love him." She said, leaning forward to let her short, violet hair fall in front of her face. Robin watched her, in her grief, she had used more words at once than he may have ever heard from her, and he was slightly in shock.

"Now do you understand?" Raven asked tiredly. Robin did, but he said nothing. Raven had held back most of her tears thus far, and except for the ones that escaped, she'd remained, for the most part, the way she normally was.

A green gloved hand touched her shoulder, and she found herself overcome with the grief her human side could not help feeling. Raven leaned into Robin until he found himself holding her as she sobbed quietly into his shirt. Both teens reached an understanding this night as the Fair's bright colors reflected on the water and on their skin.

And as raven quieted and just leaned into her friend's embrace, Robin watched the mass of color. A large breeze blew over the tower and raven moved her head so that she could watch as well the pages of the newspaper twist and turn and make the carnival lights twinkle.

**It was just another story printed on the second page****  
****Underneath the Tiger's football score...**

_I was listening to this song and then I started thinking and then I started crying. So I wrote this songfic. Anyway, I think Raven may be just a bit out of character. This is my first post on this particular account. I need a beta-reader. Thanks for reading, now if you have a spare moment, please review._


End file.
